Written by Bruce Cameron, author of “A Dog’s Purpose.”
To: Master of the house
The cat is despicable. She doesnâ€™t do any tricks and never comes when you call and Iâ€™ve been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It is time to get rid of the cat.
Before the catâ€™s arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table.
Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the tableâ€”actually physically walk on the table! You donâ€™t yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you donâ€™t see it but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.
And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right? Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crabâ€”and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isnâ€™t that what is important?
Then there is play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Havenâ€™t I nearly managed to take down a few cars as theyâ€™ve driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This cannot be sanitary. And shouldnâ€™t she be declawed? Iâ€™m very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture plus my nose.
Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.
Iâ€™m not the only one who feels the cat is an evil person. Here is a note from the hamster:
To: Master of the house
Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.
Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels
I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality TV show.
I donâ€™t understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and Iâ€™m not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesnâ€™t she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her pawsâ€”youâ€™d never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time!
And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I will be taking a nap and sheâ€™ll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually Iâ€™m too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.
So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. Iâ€™m sorry Iâ€™ve got to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the number-one pet.
Get a copy of A Dog’s Purpose for yourself here:
William Bruce Cameron (born 1960 in Petoskey, Michigan) is an internationally known humor columnist. Cameron attended Westminster College. He is the author of 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter, a best selling self-improvement book adapted to the short-lived ABC sitcom which aired from 2002 to 2005. His newest book, 8 Simple Rules for Marrying My Daughter, released in the spring of 2008, already had a Hollywood movie deal before its publication date, with 26 Films and Wendy Finerman, producer of The Devil Wears Prada. He is author of How to Remodel a Man, which was excerpted in the August 2005 issue of O, The Oprah Magazine, and was the subject of the November 1, 2005 Oprah Show. His novel A Dog’s Purpose was published July 2010 by Tom Doherty Associates. It was 19 weeks on the New York Times bestseller list in its hardcover release. Visit his website on http://www.brucecameron.com